When Can I Snap?

When the same onslaught of problems threaten to take me down, and I am still not completely healed from the past, when is it OK to freak out and break down? Stop telling me I got this handled, reality is I feel the control slipping. Why can't I just whine for a minute? I'm not the type to tell everyone everything that is wrong, and I'm not the type to publicly wallow, I guess because of that people turn a deaf ear. I'm not saying people don't have it worse than me at all, but why does it always become something like that? I'm stronger than you because all of this happened to me is not comforting. Everyone is different, and we all have our different challenges. I don't understand how being considered a strong person, who has been through many different situations, means I should be blown off and ignored when I'm hurting. People that whine non stop annoy me, I strive to not be that way, I am generally a person who worries and I'm not the most positive, but I'm working on that. I have issues with blaming myself when things go wrong, and as much as I'd like to think I'm above judgement, I am hurt by criticism much more than I should be. I know I have to work on myself more because I can't change what people say, but it would help if they were nicer.

Reality

As I move through this sometimes painful journey called life I am beginning to realize how wrong many of my assumptions were and how wrong my judgement has been. My main problem has been my assumptions of people. The people I expected to help me and be there for me weren't there when I needed them. Reality is sometimes friends really are there for you more than blood related family. Sad but true. I'm tired of working off assumptions and living in fairy land when everyone is nice to each other and never says what they feel. I am so surrounded by that. All that comes of that is resentment. I have resentment in spades. I have experienced enough therapy, and I have let go of a lot of things, but I can't forget. I have been deeply hurt by many, and many don't know or care they have hurt me, and I'm here doing the work, trying to move past it and move on but it has become a constant theme. Then I feel guilty. It's true that many have gone through much worse things than I have, and who can really judge which is worse? This is my journey, and all of this has happened for a reason, but what I can't abide by is everyone acting like it's OK to ignore me and what's going on/ You can't only help when it's convenient for you.I am not good at asking for help either, the rejection would be worse if I specifically ask, but open your eyes. I am human. I am not perfect, and I am not as strong as I would like everyone to believe. I am emotionally fried from everything that has happened lately. I try not to let it be seen, but it's reality. I don't need half assed friends and family. Be here for me or get out of my life.

Always

In everyone's life there is a time that someone tells them everything will get better with time. You will see things clearer, and things will hurt less. While I think in most cases clarity comes with the passage of time, but pain can come back, just as sharp when you least expect it. Sill things set it off. Then I'm left to wonder, am I really as ok as I thought I was? Did I just tell myself I'm ok, and it was magically so for a little while? I think it's both. I am in a better place, most of the time, but something little puts me back, almost three years ago, when my life changed forever. In some ways it's comforting. My daughter will not be forgotten as long as I am on this earth. Her little life made a difference. I'm tired of society trying to shove this all away like it never happened. If you haven't experienced infant loss, you DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE! A part of me will always ache for her. A part of me will always wonder. As I look at my beautiful son peacefully sleeping, I see her too.

The positives

I have been drowning in negativity, so here is the bright side of deployment. None of these things makes it all OK, but it does make it hurt a little less.In this year I learned about myself. I learned that even when I felt like I would totally fall apart, I didn't. I learned that I am tired of taking shit from anyone, and I learned that when I stand up for myself, I get results. I learned that sometimes it's nice to have total control of the TV and eating choices. I am stronger than I thought I was. I assembled furniture alone, took my car for maintenance,and carried many heavy things. I have found true friends in other Army wives, who are more like family than friends. I have learned setting boundaries makes me a much happier person. I am not as paranoid anymore, when he first left, any sound and I was at the window, gun in hand, now I've calmed down.I have learned that you really can't understand a deployment until you live it, and that all kinds of people think they know what it's like. You don't. I have gone a year with no hugs and kisses, an empty bed, and short phone calls. I have survived.

Parental Control

Lately I have been surrounded by people having marital issues because of parents of the husband or wife. I have experienced it as well. I am the parent of a baby, and don't know what it's like to have grown offspring, but I'm writing this to remind myself. You have to let your son or daughter handle their own marriage. When they get married they become a family, and when they have kids they need to figure out how to be parents. Some parents can be nice and helpful, but maintain boundaries and some have to be kept in the dark about much of what is happening because of drama. This is not a rare problem, and usually stems from a unusually strong attachment to their son or daughter, and the mindset they are still a child. Some parents have control issues, but the bottom line is the last thing you should want is to cause marital problems for your offspring. They have to cling to each other, and work things out together if they have a chance of making it. There is a reason marriage vows say forsaking all others. It's extremely painful when one runs to their parents while not communicating with each other. I'm not saying I know everything, but I know so many people with these problems that it breaks my heart. Get right if you want to be in your son or daughter's life.

Breaking Point

The fact that I grew up surrounded by religion has planted thoughts in my head that pop up when everything goes crazy. God will not give you more than you can handle. While this is a very comforting thought, it is a painful and contradictory one as well. As I have gotten older, religion isn't comfortable to me anymore. Notice I said religion, not a belief in God. I still very strongly believe in God, but I wonder, quite often, why? I am not trying to make myself sound pitiful, there are many people in this world that have things much worse than me. My heart hurts for all the pain in some of the people close to me's lives. On the other side, I ask why me? I will be honest and say I get jealous sometimes. I'm jealous of the people who get pregnant and have a baby with no complications. I'm happy they don't have to go through that. I wonder why people who drink, smoke, and do drugs have healthy babies, but it's not for me to know why. I couldn't be happier about Anthony, and the blessing he is in my life, but I can't help me jealousy when everyone else babies develop on time and healthy. I know it could be so much worse, but it's the thoughts I have. I don't always have these thoughts, but they come at bad times. Now deployment, I feel that I have repressed my saddest and worst feelings in order to deal and now I feel like I'm hitting a wall. If one more person says it's so close I will punch them. I am spent, and my emotions are everywhere. I am not writing this for pity or phone calls, this is for knowledge. No one will know exactly what I go through, nor will I know someone else's pain fully, but this is a glimpse. The things we think and do not say. That is what it's always about right? I can take whatever comes and I'm not supposed to freak out. I supposed to be over my babies by now right? F that. I'm tired of keeping up appearances, and I am not always just OK. I have days where it consumes me, and when everything else in my life goes crazy, it leaves the door open for more crazy. I don't care if I sound like a broken record. In my heart is a broken record of all the things that hurt and can never be fixed. I am OK, I can deal, but cut me a little slack sometimes. The number one lesson from all of this in my mind is never judge people's actions, you have no idea what is under the surface. Back to my original point, how much does it take for me to break? I don't feel allowed to, ever, and I'm not sure what to do about that.

Expectations

My whole life has been made of expectations.Expected to obey parents, to be a good student, to be a good christian, to make something of myself. What do we do when things do go the way we expected them to? I expected to grow up, go to college, get married, have kids and a career, never want for money, and stay in Dallas. I got married, right after cosmetology school. I had a job or two. Having kids was one of the hardest things I've ever done. College stared later, and I am a stay at home mom. The question is, even though everything is not as expected, am I happy? I am getting there because I am staring to realize more and more to let go of expectations. Especially the ones others have for me. I am not that domestic, I can only cook a few things because I never really try. I didn't grow up cooking or cleaning. I don't understand how I would contradict myself, here I was feeling like an empowered woman, then I try to hold myself to the old school standards of what a mom and wife should be. I expected to have children easily, I was young and health right? What else can go wrong? Everything apparently. When I finally got my baby, I had expectations of how birth would go, and how life will be with him. Then I end up with a c-section, he ended up in the NICU, and told me he had Down syndrome. Even though he wasn't what I expected, I couldn't be happier with my son. He has a personally that attracts everyone. You can't help but smile back to him when he smiles at you. Sometimes I get tired, and jealous of everyone around me with kids who don't have to go to the doctor often, and will hit all their developmental milestones on time, but then I think what if I had lost another child? He's pretty much healthy, and he's very happy, what else do I need? My life doesn't look the way I thought it would, but I wouldn't change anything but my expectations.

Who am I?

Who am I is a question I have asked myself a lot recently. I know who I was in the past but who am I now? I know that I want to be the best mother and wife that I can be, and I know now that my best isn't everyone else's best.I know I'm tired of taking everyone else's BS at the cost of what I want. I know that I can't continue holing myself to impossible standard in some aspects of my life, not caring about other aspects of my life, and feeling inadequate when things go wrong. I know that despite what has been said in the past I am responsible and mature, and the people who said those things never truly saw me. I know that many of my family members have assessed and judged the child I was and haven't seen the woman I am now. I know that I can't define myself by other's view of me, I need to define myself. Now I plan on not compromising myself so much for what I want out of life. I have lived so long worrying about what is thought of me that I have trouble knowing what I think of me. I am no proud of being a pushover for so long. I am tired of doing things for people who wouldn't do the same for me. I don't care if you don;t like that my view are different than many of my family's. Most of those things never felt right to me.
I want to have no more regrets.
I want to be more blunt and say what I really think.
I have a strong belief in God, but I feel organized religion has corrupted everything.
I believe in the military.
I believe in our country and I feel we need to take care of home more than running around trying to fix the world.
I want my son to live a happy and uncomplicated life without being looked on as just having Down syndrome, or just different.
I want to help other parents of loss and disability. They have been shoved under the rug too long.
I want to own a home.
I need to be free of pushy people who think they can control me. I am not a child.
I have accepted that you never stop grieving those you have lost, it gets easier with time but never goes away, and that is OK.
I will not apologize if my grief makes people unconformable.
I believe being gay is not a choice, and I have a soft spot in my heart for homosexuals. They are targets of hate crimes and can't even get married. While it may seem it is trendy to be gay, these people go through major emotional issues,and I think that is widely forgotten.
I believe the government is too powerful, and too in everyone's business.
I believe the vast majority of Americans know nothing of politics, and just follow celebrities.
I believe that abortion is not a religious issue, but a moral one. When science continues to prove how much babies in the womb are capable of, even at a few weeks gestation, how can you tell me it is acceptable to kill your own child? Every human being was a tiny cluster of sell in their mother's womb, and I don't think it's anyone's right to kill it.

Deployment and boundaries.

Now that this deployment is nearing it's end (sort of), I have been thinking of how things need to be in the future. Me and Jeremy have each become more independent. I can't speak for him, but I feel changed, and more self reliant. Not in a bad way, I still love and need him very much, but I have surprised myself how much I really can handle. With that being said, I still have work to do. I'm getting better at setting boundaries with everyone, but I still revert back to my own ways where I let everyone say or do whatever, and put up with it. So I'm asking, again, to cut me some slack. Everyone I've talked to says reintegration is hard and I think some people don't know what's really going to happen when Jeremy comes home. First, he still has to work, for awhile depending on when he gets home. Second, it will take time for us to get used to living together again, and for how things have changed. Third, we need privacy while we're trying to figure these things out. You all know we love our family and friends, but we need to work all of these things out for ourselves. We value advice, but no one really knows what we have gone through but us, and unless you have been military yourself and either was deployed or had a spouse deployed you can't imagine. It's not a business trip, it's not like being apart for a week or month. It's watching the person you have committed you life to get on a bus and a plane, and you wonder if you will ever see them again. It's staying up to ungodly hours hoping for a phone call or an instant message. It's not seeing each other's face except for a blurry image on a computer screen. It's not kissing, hugging, or touching one another for eight months straight. It's sitting in a hospital bed, wondering if they have to admit me, no one is here for the baby or to take care of me. It's feeling alone. I'm not saying all of this for anyone to feel sorry for me, I'm only saying you may think you know but you have no idea. I don't claim to know everything about everyone's life, only you know the burden you bear. All I ask is for no one else to add to mine.

Reflection

I have spent too much time worrying about what everyone else thinks. Knowing why doesn't always fix it, when the people that caused it will not change. While I feel I have worked on this, and am in a better place about it, residual things pop up now and then.Recovery is an ongoing thing I believe a person can never completely finish. While most days I feel OK, pain grief, and doubts can pounce on me still. A big one to fight is not feeling like a good mother. In my case, and in some people I know, when you loose a child, you feel like you were inadequate in some way. Either in the sense that I did something wrong, or my body is flawed, too flawed to carry a child. I had a similar feeling when my baby was born with Down syndrome. Whether you loose, or feel that they might suffer, you feel responsible. My head know none of this is my fault, but sometimes a feeling deep down makes me feel inadequate, and responsible for all the bad things. It's not not logical but it exists, and sometimes I struggle.

We all deal differently

Deployment is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with. Everyone's experience with deployment is different, I'm not trying to speak for all my friends, or military wives in general, but these are my thoughts on it. I used to be on the outside. I went to beauty school with a army wife. She had a few kids, and was going to beauty school full time, and I used to think I don't know how she does it, I don't think I could. Then about two years after beauty school, my new husband decides he wasn't to enlist. Our jobs were going nowhere, we both needed a change. He had wanted to enlist after high school, but I really feel he wasn't ready. Now we have decisions to make, so I fight it, and make this be a point of resentment, can I deal with this lifestyle? We decided to take the plunge. After that there have been many situations in our lives where I have had to deal with things alone.I didn't know I had it in me. Sometimes I feel that I am not dealing as well as I'd like. Sometimes I have my blue days, but one way or another, I'll make it through.

Gone and not forgotten

As time keeps passing I am left to reflect on those I've lost, and and the one I have with me. It has almost been three years since I miscarried my first angel early in the first trimester. I was forever changed and in some ways I feel that so much time has not passed. While I don't grieve all day anymore, and the little angel is not on my mind every second, that day made me a totally different person in many ways. I grew up surrounded by pregnancy and infant loss, and I grieved for my brother, but it wasn't fully real to me until it happened to me. While I had some fear when the test was positive, I didn't thnk it would happen to me. Then it did, the day my husband left for basic training. It was also my first experience of having to deal alone. Sadly it wasn't my last. In December of the same year I lost Isabella, and I couldn't help but think something was wrong with me, and maybe I wasn't ment to have children. Having children is supposed to be natural and easy right? I was young, I was healthy, I thought I did everything right, yet I lost two. Now almost three three years later, my rainbow baby is a year old. I couldn't be happier to have him here with me. As I watch him grow I can't help but to think what it would have been like with all three, or even Isabella and him. how different my life would be. I know God has a plan for all of this, but it dosen't make it easier. It's easy to ask why me, and get bogged down in grief and pain. I function, I'm not in extreme pain every day, but they cross my mind often. They may be gone, but they are not forgotten. They are a part of my life with every breath I take. I look into Anthony's blue eyes and I see them looking back at me.