Reflection

I have spent too much time worrying about what everyone else thinks. Knowing why doesn't always fix it, when the people that caused it will not change. While I feel I have worked on this, and am in a better place about it, residual things pop up now and then.Recovery is an ongoing thing I believe a person can never completely finish. While most days I feel OK, pain grief, and doubts can pounce on me still. A big one to fight is not feeling like a good mother. In my case, and in some people I know, when you loose a child, you feel like you were inadequate in some way. Either in the sense that I did something wrong, or my body is flawed, too flawed to carry a child. I had a similar feeling when my baby was born with Down syndrome. Whether you loose, or feel that they might suffer, you feel responsible. My head know none of this is my fault, but sometimes a feeling deep down makes me feel inadequate, and responsible for all the bad things. It's not not logical but it exists, and sometimes I struggle.