Gone and not forgotten

As time keeps passing I am left to reflect on those I've lost, and and the one I have with me. It has almost been three years since I miscarried my first angel early in the first trimester. I was forever changed and in some ways I feel that so much time has not passed. While I don't grieve all day anymore, and the little angel is not on my mind every second, that day made me a totally different person in many ways. I grew up surrounded by pregnancy and infant loss, and I grieved for my brother, but it wasn't fully real to me until it happened to me. While I had some fear when the test was positive, I didn't thnk it would happen to me. Then it did, the day my husband left for basic training. It was also my first experience of having to deal alone. Sadly it wasn't my last. In December of the same year I lost Isabella, and I couldn't help but think something was wrong with me, and maybe I wasn't ment to have children. Having children is supposed to be natural and easy right? I was young, I was healthy, I thought I did everything right, yet I lost two. Now almost three three years later, my rainbow baby is a year old. I couldn't be happier to have him here with me. As I watch him grow I can't help but to think what it would have been like with all three, or even Isabella and him. how different my life would be. I know God has a plan for all of this, but it dosen't make it easier. It's easy to ask why me, and get bogged down in grief and pain. I function, I'm not in extreme pain every day, but they cross my mind often. They may be gone, but they are not forgotten. They are a part of my life with every breath I take. I look into Anthony's blue eyes and I see them looking back at me.