It all started on Wednesday December 16, 2009. I was watching the movers move our stuff into our house all day. The day before I was in Dallas watching them pack up, and I was in my car reading and trying to keep warm and my baby, Isabella, was moving more than she ever had before. I was so excited that I would be feeling her more, since feeling her move put me more at peace; I have been so paranoid this whole pregnancy. Then the next day, the movers left, I started unpacking and I got tired so I stopped, my grandparents left, then me and Jeremy had dinner. That’s when the nagging feeling started because I hadn’t felt her move at all since the morning, but I told myself that it was because I had been so active during the day that she was relaxed and maybe sleeping. So I told myself that enough to get to sleep only to wake up at 5:00 A.M. having a anxiety attack since I still hadn’t felt her. So I got online to see if it was normal, I knew that I was only at 21 weeks and maybe there wasn’t a pattern yet. Online at lot of websites said it was normal to have quieter days but I still couldn’t shake the feeling, I almost woke Jeremy up to take me in, but I calmed down and remembered that I had an appointment later in the day, and it takes forever to get in, so I decided to just wait for my appointment. It still stressed me though because it was my 1st scheduled appointment on base and they had to do paperwork. So I went in early since I had to get my records, and Jeremy ended up getting off early from work and he met me up there after she already had me in a room asking questions , and I expressed my concerns, then she said I needed labs, but she was going to check the heartbeat first. So we go in the room and she tried with one machine, then another, got another nurse, then a doctor, then got another doctor who tried the heartbeat thing again (by then I was shaking) then she did a sonogram, and shook her head the whole time and brought yet another doctor in then they both told me. Everything became a blur, they asked if we wanted a Chaplin, and asked her name, then asked what we wanted to do, did we want to go home, or have them admit me, I said admit me, and started asking what they were going to do. The Chaplin came and prayed, and I said we wanted a funeral. Then the doctor came in again and told me they were all full in labor and delivery, and they would call me in the morning. Then it began, we had to call everyone. I told Jeremy I didn’t want to answer the phone anymore. We went to get food, and I cried sporadically throughout the night, but I was also numb. We watched the Hangover in an attempt to distract, but that didn’t help either. The next day we had to go to Jeremy’s work and talk to his command. We met with one sergeant, then his new squad leader Sgt Burdon, then the commander of the whole brigade and the 1st sergeant. Pretty much we had to tell complete strangers what happened and what would happen and ask for help. We also saw a counselor that day. Then we decided to have IHOP, then we went home and the pain started. I called labor and delivery and they took me into triage. They ran tests, while I had to lay and listen to another woman’s monitor with a heartbeat, then a doctor came again and gave me an ultrasound to tell me again. They decided to take me that day and explained that they were inducing labor and how they would accomplish that and pain management and that it might take two days. It took three, and I was in for four days. The first day they started medication to induce and pain meds, and not much happened physically, then the next they upped the meds and still not much happened, but I consented to the epidural early so I could get it when I needed it. It got intense at times, my mom handed me the phone that had my aunt on it telling me I had to get them to hurry, that I would get infected and die. There were little dramas the whole time, and I had really understanding nurses that came running and you could see on their faces that they cared, and some that I wanted to punch. That night I got the epidural, then they put a Foley bulb in and more medication, and the labor got much worse. For some reason the epidural didn’t work too well on the left side and they had to keep turning me to make it work and in the course of that I blew yet another IV. Anesthesia came often to re-dose the epidural, and then they had to find a vein. I lost count on the sticks, the neck ones really freaked me out. Then they called in another guy and he used an ultrasound to find a vein. After that, each contraction made me scream. Jeremy’s face broke my heart. The day is blurry in my mind, but that was clear. They kept coming, and I kept asking to be checked, because I felt more stuff running out. Then I was really screaming, and she came in and broke my water and I got some relief, but then it got more intense again. Finally it was time, and surprisingly that was what hurt the least. I pushed and pushed, and I couldn’t look right when she came out, me and Jeremy just cried on each other. They weighed her and dressed her and brought her to us. Holding her broke my heart in ways I can’t explain. We took pictures, all we’ll ever have of her. My mom went to get Gamma, and I said are you sure you can handle this? She doesn’t look like we thought she would. We had the Chaplin come again and pray with us and her. We all cried together, and then I let them take my baby away. I didn’t deliver the placenta for awhile, and then once I did they gave me some more meds and took out the epidural, then let me eat. They asked if I wanted out right away, and I said wait until the morning. The next morning we went home and my mom cooked for me and they worked on the house. The next day, the day before Christmas Eve, we looked at funeral homes, but we couldn’t decide then I passed huge clots and ended up in the emergency room late at night. The nurse had lost a baby too and took pity on me, since I had been through hell and used Lido cane with the IV, and tried to give me comfort. They said everything was okay, and we all went home and slept all day, then me and Jeremy bought each other Christmas presents, then my mom drove us to San Antonio. We had Christmas; I looked and felt beat up. We came home the next day; my dad drove us because my mom was sick. Then he went home and we tried to figure out what to do now. This was a weekend though, so we had to wait until Monday to figure the rest out. We saw the counselor again and decided to plan the funeral for New Years Eve. We got it all together and called everyone. The service was beautiful; I haven’t seen her grave yet. We told them to engrave mommy and daddy’s little angel on the tombstone. Now we have to live.
No comments:
Post a Comment