Breaking Point

The fact that I grew up surrounded by religion has planted thoughts in my head that pop up when everything goes crazy. God will not give you more than you can handle. While this is a very comforting thought, it is a painful and contradictory one as well. As I have gotten older, religion isn't comfortable to me anymore. Notice I said religion, not a belief in God. I still very strongly believe in God, but I wonder, quite often, why? I am not trying to make myself sound pitiful, there are many people in this world that have things much worse than me. My heart hurts for all the pain in some of the people close to me's lives. On the other side, I ask why me? I will be honest and say I get jealous sometimes. I'm jealous of the people who get pregnant and have a baby with no complications. I'm happy they don't have to go through that. I wonder why people who drink, smoke, and do drugs have healthy babies, but it's not for me to know why. I couldn't be happier about Anthony, and the blessing he is in my life, but I can't help me jealousy when everyone else babies develop on time and healthy. I know it could be so much worse, but it's the thoughts I have. I don't always have these thoughts, but they come at bad times. Now deployment, I feel that I have repressed my saddest and worst feelings in order to deal and now I feel like I'm hitting a wall. If one more person says it's so close I will punch them. I am spent, and my emotions are everywhere. I am not writing this for pity or phone calls, this is for knowledge. No one will know exactly what I go through, nor will I know someone else's pain fully, but this is a glimpse. The things we think and do not say. That is what it's always about right? I can take whatever comes and I'm not supposed to freak out. I supposed to be over my babies by now right? F that. I'm tired of keeping up appearances, and I am not always just OK. I have days where it consumes me, and when everything else in my life goes crazy, it leaves the door open for more crazy. I don't care if I sound like a broken record. In my heart is a broken record of all the things that hurt and can never be fixed. I am OK, I can deal, but cut me a little slack sometimes. The number one lesson from all of this in my mind is never judge people's actions, you have no idea what is under the surface. Back to my original point, how much does it take for me to break? I don't feel allowed to, ever, and I'm not sure what to do about that.