4 years

It's almost been four years since I buried my baby girl. Most of the time it feels like some terrible nightmare, not something that actually happened to me.I guess it's my minds way of protecting itself and keeping me going. Then there's this time of year, when Christmas songs are on the radio, and pretty lights and trees are in the stores. Holding a tiny pink babies' first Christmas ornament brings it all screaming back. I can see the faces, and I can feel the pain. I can see the doctor, holding an ultrasound wand to my belly and shaking her head, I can see the face of the nurse who looked at me with pain in her eyes and told me when I rang for her she would come running. I see my husbands face as he held my hand for the final push and it all became real. I see the blur the next weeks became, staring at a tiny casket, finding tiny clothes to bury her in, going to Christmas with my family with a broken body, heart and mind. Tying to sleep with nightmares and baby cries in my mind. Crying out on my knees, in the room that should have been her's and asking God why he let this happen. Four years later some details are vivid, some are hazy but the fact remains this will always hurt. Time passes, and I don't feel the pain as strong, I don't cry every time I talk about it and people don't mention it anymore. She lived. She was an acrobat in my belly, and very much wanted. I won't forget, nor will I let anyone else because she lived and what point was her life if she was forgotten?

December

This is the time of year for reflection. Christmas trees and lights are glaring memories of the week from hell in mid December when my life changed. Now it has changed even more. we're coming up on four years since we said goodbye to our daughter. 4 years since a pain i can;t even describe rook over my life and casts a shadow until this day. I am not living in this place anymore, but I visit more often when there is so much to remind me. She's there in the glittery pink ornaments I buy for her tree, she's there in the stocking I hang with her name. She's there when I hang the ornament with her picture on my tree and she's there in my son's beautiful eyes as he takes in the Christmas decorations. I'll always miss her, my baby girl.

Reality

Reality hit me in the worst way today. As I watched kids rush past my baby today, greedy for plastic eggs it hit me. There will be times when he is left behind, there will be times when people are mean to him. I know I'm stating the obvious, but knowing it and see it are very different things. I know he's two, and unaware of anyone wronging him ever. He doesn't know when he gets passed by, he isn't phased by being ignored while he's waving at strangers. He doesn't know when people aren't there for special days in his life, and when people are only pretending with him. One day he will. It makes my heart hurt to think of it. I don't want him to ever be bullied or made fun of. I don't want him to be left out. All I know is, if there is anything I can help I will do it. I want my son to grow up knowing he's loved. I want him to love holidays and his birthday, and see the joy in life. Mark my words, if anyone interferes with this you will have to answer to me. If you don't act right, you won't be in his life.I also want him to grow up as a person of character and integrity, and I want everyone in his life to encourage and model this. I don't care if you don't agree with me. I am his mother, this is how he will be raised. No one has to be in his life that doesn't feel the same way about him.